Common Mistakes People Make When They Offer Condolences


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My special guest blogger today is Suzie Kolber, who is an expert in coming up with just the right words we can all use when we wish to offer words of sympathy to bereaved friends and work associates. Sometimes it can be a real challenge to say something other than a cliche or platitude, and so I know you’ll enjoy Suzie’s ideas for how we can be more supportive during those unsettling and precarious times everyone encounters in life.

Here’s her article:

Common Mistakes People Make When They Offer Condolences

Talking to someone who has just lost a loved one is never easy. In fact, many people avoid the situation by staying away or sending a generic card. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing. While there is no one right way to offer condolences, there are a few mistakes well-meaning people often make. Learn from others so you don’t make the same errors.

Saying “It will get better.”

While you know the person won’t always feel like they do right now, telling them so only trivializes their feelings. Instead, you want them to know it’s okay to feel this way. You have no idea how long it will take for their heart to mend and for them to feel like resuming life again.

In place of telling someone to cheer up or that they will feel better in time, you may say something like “I’m here for you if you need to talk.” This lets the person know they don’t have to pretend to feel better if they don’t.

Trying to cheer them up

Everyone moves through the stages of grief at their own pace, and you can’t hurry it along. If the person is feeling sad, they don’t necessarily want you trying to make the smile or laugh. They may not be ready to move forward with their daily lives because it feels like they are leaving the deceased person behind.

You don’t want to avoid talking about the person who passed away because it may actually make them feel better. Hearing stories about that person from your point of view may be the healing they need. And you might be surprised to find it does cheer them up. While you may not enjoy talking about sad things, forcing conversation on superficial topics because they are happy or neutral won’t ease the person’s pain or make them forget about their loved one.

Pretending nothing has changed

Many people feel awkward talking to the loved one of someone who died. They aren’t sure what to say, and so they try to avoid any mention of the person. They will talk about the weather, what’s going on at work or other normal stuff. While this may be helpful, don’t purposefully avoid talking about the person who died.

The family member knows they are gone, and they will feel the silence as you struggle to avoid mentioning the person. Instead, mention them as it feels normal. Talking about the person is one way the loved one has of keeping their memory alive. Don’t be afraid to talk about serious and sad subjects. Ignoring them won’t make them go away, and the discussion can help the person deal with their emotions.

Knowing the right thing to say can be difficult, but knowing what not to say can be even harder. Just know that if your heart is in the right place, the person will understand what you can’t find the words to say. Your presence means more than any words, so don’t avoid interaction with the family just because you aren’t sure what you should say to them.

Suzie Kolber is a writer at Words of Condolences

 

 

Wayne Dyer’s Advice on Creating Good Spiritual Habits


Did you ever stop to think about what kind of habits you’ve inadvertently created over a lifetime when it comes to your beliefs about yourself? Most of us did not grow up in the kind of environment where we were taught to think deep thoughts and really get into the inner workings of our mind. Instead, well-meaning parents and teachers passed along the same instructions they were given about getting along in life, and so it goes generation after generation.

 

But we live in a time of great transition right now, and more people are interested in accessing the power of their minds to create a better life than what seems to happen at random.

 

I think this advice from self-help guru Wayne Dyer, who passed last year at the age of 75, is particularly appropriate if you’re looking for a good place to start in changing your beliefs.

 

From Wayne Dyer:  “Believe you are an infinite spiritual being having a temporary human experience. The first step to learning to manifest your reality is you must create a new concept of yourself: as an infinite spiritual being having a temporary human experience. The I that I use to describe myself is not so obsessed that he insists in staying in one body. In fact, that I that is me finally recognizes that ancient spiritual truth spoken by Divine masters since antiquity: None of us are really doing anything, rather we (our bodies) are merely being done. This I that you use to describe yourself isn’t the physical form that you occupy and take with you everywhere. The I is your higher self, changeless and real.”