Category Archives: Codependency

Thanks for asking!

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Hi blog visitors!   I’m approaching the final week of a “ultimate blog challenge” in which I post a new blog article every day for the entire month of October.  This time, I am doing it with two different blogs, posting daily in both of them.

This blog covers all aspects of stress,  happiness and healthy relationships (which means, of course, that I talk about the UN-healthy ones so you can see what you need to change!)

The other blog site is the “sister” site to this one — http://happywithmybody.com — and it is about stress and dieting.

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Freedom!

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Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans. :-)

Whether you’re here in the States or not, take a moment and think about all the gifts that freedom can bring.  In a relationship, if you feel free and independent, then you can enjoy a reciprocal give-and-take closeness.

On the other hand, if your marriage or other relationship tends to be codependent, you probably hesitate to speak frankly, out of fear you will set off the other person’s anger. Living in thrall to someone’s temper is no fun. You end up walking on eggshells, afraid to truly be yourself at any time. Your eyes are on them like a hawk, trying to decipher what they meant by a certain cutting remark, or trying to anticipate if they might be in a good mood later on so you can have a pleasant evening or weekend together.

Today, strike out for your rights to be an adult with an opinion of your own and the right to speak up. Do it nicely, but stop hiding who you are out of fear they’ll blow up and criticize you.  Here’s a little inside tip: if they feel like blowing up, they’ll find an excuse to do so.  The longer you hold back being yourself and being authentic, the more you get used to a diminished life.

And that’s no way to live: you have enslaved yourself to someone else’s moods and anger. Just because the bonds are invisible doesn’t mean you are not chained to a tyrant.

Learn more about breaking free from stress — it’s a killer. Go to my new site and see what it’s all about. I think you’ll like it – http://zapyourstress.com

your happiness guru,

Evelyn Brooks

People-pleasers

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People-pleasers, gather around! (part 1 of 2 parts)

I can’t overlook this topic in my month-long blog discussion of stressful relationships. If you don’t know what a people-pleaser is, you won’t find a dictionary entry at dictionary.com.

But in general, here’s what people-pleasers do:

  • take on burdens and responsibilities that are not theirs — as a regular routine, not as a special favor now and then
  • feel guilty for saying “no” to anyone, even when it is inconvenient to say “yes”
  • try hard to make everyone happy even at the risk of their own unhappiness and stress
  • boost everyone’s self-esteem, even at the expense of their own

It’s been nicknamed “the disease of please” by some people because at the heart of it, it’s all about trying to make people like you! You want so much for everyone to think well of you that you go overboard and simply do too much for others.

Now, of course, to some extent we should all be people-pleasers and be nice to one another. But when the driving force is a feeling that you aren’t good enough unless you are “doing, doing, and doing some more” then it’s a pattern that’s gotten in your way!

Tomorrow I’ll give you some tips to combat the people-pleaser the tendency because it keeps you stressed out! It really is not a healthy interaction in relationships because it leads to resentments when the other person simply takes and takes and takes, and expects you to keep on giving.

your happiness guru,

Evelyn

How to ask for what you want

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Reminder:  My topic every day for the month of JUNE  is “stressful relationships”— Please go to askevelynbrooks.com and tell me what your biggest stress is, especially if it’s related to a relationship (“relationship” can mean your marriage, dating, friendship, boss or coworker, your kids, family members, neighbor, etc.). I’ll do my best to answer your questions here in a post! (And don’t worry, it’s confidential, so I won’t reference your name or email address.)

Asking doesn’t have to mean pleading!

When a relationship is tense, it can be really awkward to have any kind of decent communication. You’re probably hypervigilant around the other person, noticing everything they do and trying to “read” their current mood  It’s exhausting!  And extremely stressful. You end up holding back things you want to discuss, out of fear that it will lead to an argument or bitter words.

(Note: earlier this week I talked about bad moods going viral- click to see the post if you missed it).

Here’s how to speak up and ask for what you need and also for what you want:

  • Be direct. If you need to take some time to clarify what you want to say, then jot down some notes for yourself and think it through. Don’t get in the habit of just blurting out a long rambling request filled with apologies for bothering the other person. You have the right to speak. You have the right to make requests in any kind of relationship. You have a right to be treated with respect when you do both of those things. But do your part by coming to the point.
  • KISS — You’ve probably heard that the KISS acronym means “Keep It Simple, Stupid!”  but I like my own version… Keep It Short & Sweet.  Okay, wait a minute, I now see that with the addition of “and” the acronym would be pronounced “kisas” and that definitely is not what I’m talking about — you’re not going to kiss a$$. You’re going to be adult about this and put yourself on equal footing with the other person, even if it is your boss or someone in authority. Be polite, but say what’s on your mind in a concise manner. So let’s say KISS = Keep It Short, Sweetie!
  • If you need the other person to take an action, be very clear what you want them to do and when you want them to do it. If there’s a deadline in a few days, then say that you will follow up with a reminder the day before (and then do that step, too).  For example, if you are inviting your spouse to a ticketed event that you really want to attend and you know they aren’t a big fan of the opera, or the country band or whatever the event might be, give the pertinent information, say you would love them to go with you but you need to know by X date/time in order to get the tickets. And if they say no right on the spot, simply thank them and say you’ll find a friend to go with you. Do NOT say “Oh, then I guess we’re not going.” You have the right to make plans for something on your own.
  • After you’re through talking, thank the other person for listening. This is not groveling, it is teaching them that you are a respectful person, and that they need to treat YOU with respect, too. It helps set healthy boundaries.

your happiness guru,

Evelyn

Bad moods go viral

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If you are sensitive to the people around you, it can be really stressful when someone else is in a bad mood.  Your antenna perk up as you try to deduce whether they’re angry at something you’ve said or done. You might even walk cautiously around them the rest of the day, or until you see a grudging smile. Even if you have something you’d like to say, you keep it to yourself, afraid you might irk them and instigate an explosion. You squash the smile or laughter, and make sure that you are serious or even somber around them. In other words, you take on their mood as if it’s a case of measles that went viral.

At first it may seem that it’s only polite and kind to not be boisterous or “too happy” around someone who is in a foul mood.

What’s wrong with being this “nice”?  For one thing, you are losing an entire day of your own life, watching them. In addition, you are “de-selfing” in order to try to please them and manipulate their behavior so they won’t be annoyed with you for being happy. Ouch!

It doesn’t matter if this is a lifelong habit — if you really want to stop picking up on other people’s bad moods and making them your own, there are specific steps you can take.

1. Acknowledge their mood. If they don’t admit to being in a rotten temper, you don’t have to be a mouse scurrying around in fear. Go ahead and say something, in a mild tone, such as “Looks like you’re having a bad day. We can discuss this tomorrow.”
2. Go about your day without regard to their mood. You might have to really work on this part until it feels more natural, but it IS possible to be around someone who’s cranky or worse, and not let it spoil your day.
3. Avoid the temptation to take their emotional temperature by frequently asking how they are doing — “Feeling any better?” is not the kind of thing that will help this situation. It sets you up as the “parent” or “caretaker/nursemaid” and that keeps the relationship unbalanced and unhealthy.

Learn more about coping with stressful relationships in my stress management book “Forget Your Troubles: Enjoy Your Life Today” — available at amazon.com in paperback or Kindle, or get the ebook now… right here

your happiness guru,

Evelyn