Let’s be frank about relationships for a moment — some of them are really NOT in your best interest, right? (Or mine, either!) Some relationships truly suck, and it can be extremely stressful when you stay in a relationship despite a very real longing to leave.
What’s a narcissist? Someone who makes your life absolutely crazy! The stress of living with a narcissist will send you right over the edge, and meanwhile, he’ll be standing there saying it’s all because you are so controlling, cold and impossible to live with.
Here are a few examples of a narcissist:
If any of this sounds a bit familiar to you…or you realize that your mate (or someone else significant in your life) constantly creates dramas and blames you for them… you probably have a narcissist in your life.
I’m writing a book about how you can cope…stay tuned for more on that soon.
to your happiness and stress-free living,
Evelyn Brooks
The word “enabling” has gotten kind of a bad rap over the years, since it started being used to describe an unhealthy interaction where one person allows or enables the other one to continue with sick behavior such as alcohol or drug abuse. Being an enabler meant you were not standing up for what you believed in, and felt helpless to change anything about the relationship.
But enabling can also be a good thing! Think of the teacher who enables (allows and encourages) a student to fill out the forms for a college scholarship application. Or the boss who enables an employee to make more money through profit-sharing based on the value they bring to the company and not just the hours they work.
Take a look at your relationships. If they are stressed out and unhappy, if you have deep-seated resentments against the other person (or people!) the root of the problem could be that you’ve fallen into the trap of the unhealthy type of enabling.
And if you are arguing all the time with your mate or significant other, that behavior can hide what is really wrong, and until you get that issue out into the open, the pointless arguments will continue.
Stop by my site and get a low-cost crash course in communication — stoparguing101.com See you there!
your happiness guru,
Evelyn Brooks
There’s an art to conversation in which you remain independent and responsible. When you are in control of your emotions, you’re able to speak calmly and in a pleasant tone.
This skill can be really hard to put into practice if you are in a codependent relationship, whether it’s a romantic relationship or one at work or with another family member or even with a friend. In general, if you have the tendency to be codependent, you probably see the same thing crop up in more than one area of your life. That’s good news, because it means when you learn how to break out of the old habits of groveling and trying to keep the peace even at the expense of your own needs, then you will make huge strides in your personal growth.
See my related post about the Do’s and Don’ts of saying I’m sorry
Here are examples of occasions when you might wish to sound like a broken record (meaning you repeat the same thing, again and again, in the same tone, without growing angry or upset):
Being a broken record is a handy skill to learn. It means that you remain calm and cool, while politely repeating what you have just said. For instance, let’s say that last month a friend talked you into going to an expensive restaurant against your better judgment. At the time, you could’ve kicked yourself for agreeing to it, and you resented having to pay so much for a meal when it wasn’t even your idea or your choice. In other words, you felt like you were railroaded, and you vowed to yourself “never again!”
But now here that same friend is, with a bright idea for getting high price tickets to a concert. You’d kind of like to go but you want to get the cheapest seats and they insist on front row. You could handle it in various ways, depending on how close you are to this friend and how much you want to attend the event. You might say, “I’ll bet that will be a great concert but I’m going to have to say no to the high price seats.” If they insist or call you “cheap” or other names, simply keep your cool and be that broken record, repeating what you said already.
They might not like your response and in fact will probably try to talk you out of your decision. That’s where being a broken record comes in very handy.
If you feel shaky about saying “no” to someone, repeating the same memorized phrase can give you power! You don’t have to come up with excuses or launch into a whole episode of “Oh, I’m so sorry, I know you must think I’m cheap, but my credit cards are maxed out and I am just broke and I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me…” You know that kind of hand-wringing pose does nothing to establish you on an equal footing in this friendship. Instead, it keeps you in the position of being the poor little victim that they have to lead around by the hand and coax to have fun.
So being a broken record is not about groveling or humiliating yourself. It’s an empowerment tool! And once you get the hang of how to use it, I really think you’re going to love the freedom that it gives you to say what you mean… and stick to it even in the face of someone else’s anger or annoyance.
your happiness guru,
Evelyn Brooks
It might seem at a glance that it’s a great thing to say “I’m sorry” in your relationship. But as with most things in life, there are helpful and not so helpful ways to go about it. See more in a prior post on the topic of apologizing
Here are a few suggestions to follow the next time you feel you were in the wrong.
DO’s
DONT’s
The healthy habit of apologizing for your mistakes can help you to grow emotionally and be more comfortable in your own life. The point is not to get the other person’s approval, but rather to behave in a mature and responsible way in every area of your life. The person you apologize to might actually get angry about it and mock you for apologizing, or try to make you feel guilty for a whole list of other things they want to dump on you.
Stick to your simple script and repeat what you apologized for. You can state the same phrase or sentence again, word for word, or give a minor variation of it, but don’t get suckered into apologizing for being alive.
Go ahead and be a broken record: “I’m sorry for what I did earlier (name it specifically) – that’s not how I want to behave and I intend to do better from now on.” More on how to be a broken record (and why that’s a good thing) in the next post.
your happiness guru,
Evelyn Brooks