Monthly Archives: June 2010

Money fights

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If you missed part 1 of this 2-part series on couples who are stressed because they fight about money, go here to see it: http://evelynbrooks.com/?p=950.

As promised yesterday, here are quick tips on how to cope with fights about money, money, money…

  1. Call a truce. Agree to sit down and discuss your household finances without blaming or yelling. And stick to the truce. If necessary, take breaks to calm down and cool off. No name-calling allowed.
  2. Keep track of your total spending for a month. An easy aid to doing this is to use your debit card instead of cash if you’re in the habit of buying things with cash. Your bank will give you an itemized statement that will help you see where your hard-earned money is going. Categorize your expenses, either by hand with paper and pencil and a calculator, or use a software program or spreadsheet. Try to keep it simple, and use broad categories such as Auto expense, Groceries, Utilities, Rent or Mortgage, Insurance, Taxes, etc.  You can get into more detail as you get more into it, but for now a general overview will be more useful to not get sidetracked discussing every little expense. Be sure to separate the fixed expenses such as rent from the ones where you have more control such as clothing and dining out expenditures.
  3. Once you know what your expenses are, set up a basic budget. Often people end up fighting about money because both parties feel they should be able to spend when they want to, but it’s time to take a look at a more responsible way to manage your finances.
  4. Be sure to allot spending money for each of you, for incidentals, work lunches, impulse buying, etc.  The amounts will depend on how much discretionary money you have left from your income after you pay the major bills.
  5. Keep calm during these discussions.
  6. Make a pact to stop doing “retaliation spending” — instead, agree that you will discuss major purchases from now on, instead of going off shopping and getting in over your head with debt.

For more help with how to handle arguments, check out my new 2-part product called “Stop Arguing… Start Listening” — it’s a PDF report and an Audio MP3 that will give you a crash course to stop arguing all the time. Go to http://stoparguing101.com

your happiness guru,

Evelyn Brooks

Money money money

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What do couples fight about the most?

MONEY!

Financial stress puts a huge burden on any relationship and since I’m still blogging about stressful relationships for two more days, I thought the subject of money should be discussed. Today, let’s cover the basics, and tomorrow I’ll give you some tips on how to get out from under the money fights. It will ease your stress load tremendously.

Why do couples fight about money? It’s such a big part of our lives, that’s why! We need money to pay the bills, to save for the future, to meet obligations and to feel we are in charge of our own lives and not dependent on someone else’s largesse.

But usually the fight isn’t really about the money. The two people might have different ideas how to spend it, different values about saving money, or feel that the other person is being too controlling or too much of a spendthrift.  Often, when there’s an imbalance in the spending habits of a couple, the one who is more careful with money will resent the way the other goes shopping or orders things they want online without discussing the purchase beforehand. And that resentment leads to tit-for-tat spending, where the one who usually is more cautious about spending will say to him- or herself, “Well, they just bought a new outfit, so I’m going to get one, too!”

Reckless spending can lead to so many troubles, especially in these times of economic changes that so many are experiencing. But the fights about how much you spent or he spent sometimes are covering up the tension about other issues, such as fear of losing your job or anger that you can’t afford to take a vacation. Money is used as a power tool, and the one who has the wallet rules the roost. So if there is inequity in spending, the fights are sure to follow.

See you tomorrow with tips on how to cope with fights about money, money, money…

your happiness guru,

Evelyn Brooks

People-pleasers, part 2

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This is part 2 of a 2-part blog about “people-pleasers” which can be defined as the “disease of please”. See yesterday’s blog for part 1, which explains what people-pleasing is all about and how to recognize if you or someone you know is caught in this trap–  Click here.

Tips to stop being such a people-pleaser all the time:

  • Start recognizing how often you do everything for everybody else, while ignoring your own dreams and goals
  • Now that you see your pattern, make your own goals a priority, and do something every day that you like, even if someone else criticizes you for it
  • Learn how to say “no” when you want to say that. This is a biggie for people-pleasers, who have a lifelong habit of saying yes when they really are screaming “no” in their head. Practice saying “no” in less crucial areas of your life and less important matters, and build from there. The practice will give you courage to say no when it’s something important.
  • Forgive yourself if you slip into your old ways. You’re retraining an old habit and it takes time and persistence.
  • The key to making this work, and to shifting from being a people-pleaser to a strong, assertive, self-loving person, is to let go of your fear of not being liked or not getting approval.
  • Learn more at http://gethappytoday.com

your happiness guru,

Evelyn Brooks

People-pleasers

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People-pleasers, gather around! (part 1 of 2 parts)

I can’t overlook this topic in my month-long blog discussion of stressful relationships. If you don’t know what a people-pleaser is, you won’t find a dictionary entry at dictionary.com.

But in general, here’s what people-pleasers do:

  • take on burdens and responsibilities that are not theirs — as a regular routine, not as a special favor now and then
  • feel guilty for saying “no” to anyone, even when it is inconvenient to say “yes”
  • try hard to make everyone happy even at the risk of their own unhappiness and stress
  • boost everyone’s self-esteem, even at the expense of their own

It’s been nicknamed “the disease of please” by some people because at the heart of it, it’s all about trying to make people like you! You want so much for everyone to think well of you that you go overboard and simply do too much for others.

Now, of course, to some extent we should all be people-pleasers and be nice to one another. But when the driving force is a feeling that you aren’t good enough unless you are “doing, doing, and doing some more” then it’s a pattern that’s gotten in your way!

Tomorrow I’ll give you some tips to combat the people-pleaser the tendency because it keeps you stressed out! It really is not a healthy interaction in relationships because it leads to resentments when the other person simply takes and takes and takes, and expects you to keep on giving.

your happiness guru,

Evelyn

Are you easily offended?

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My focus for June is “stressful relationships”

Please go to askevelynbrooks.com and type in the box what your biggest stress is right now, especially if it’s related to a relationship.

Easily offended?

If that describes you or your mate, then you’ve got a chance to remove a lot of stress from your life, by learning how to have a thicker skin.

When our feelings are easily hurt, and we often find ourselves upset by what other people say and do, it’s tempting to put all the blame on them. In many, if not all, relationships an impartial referee could observe you secretly and you might be shocked when they came back with a scorecard splitting the guilt almost evenly between you and your spouse or significant other.

Why is that? Because in a relationship, even when one person is controlling and angry all the time, the reactions that the other person gives in response help perpetuate the unhealthy cycle.  He yells, you cry and try to defend yourself. Or she rants and you give her a cold shoulder as punishment. Neither of these reactions shake up the relationship the way it needs.

But you can learn to stop taking everything personally. It requires building your self-esteem by doing esteemable acts.

Here are some ways to get a thicker skin:

  • when your partner in this stressed relationship says something that you find hurtful, do not respond in your old way. Shrug and say, “Well, you may be right.” And leave the room to end the discussion instead of hanging around and waiting for a comeback
  • spend time with supportive friends now and then instead of being so focused on this relationship
  • let go of the idea that every remark has to hurt — simply let them fly past you instead of allowing them to hit your heart
  • stop waiting to catch your mate saying something to hurt or upset you — keep busy with your own goals and interests
  • practice a few phrases to say in response to the really mean comments, such as saying “I really don’t accept that remark” or “That really hurt my feelings and I’d appreciate if you don’t talk to me that way” — learn to stand up for yourself politely and stop being a doormat
  • as you put your energy into other projects, practice positive affirmations to strengthen your inner core

Learn more about positive thinking and how to have healthier relationships in my stress management book “Forget Your Troubles: Enjoy Your Life Today” — you can get the ebook here and start reading it right away — click here

your happiness guru,

Evelyn