Monthly Archives: May 2010

Are you stuck in grief?

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“Rosemary” is for remembrance.

Happy Memorial Day to all my fans and friends in the USA where this holiday (the last Monday in May) kicks off the summer vacation season.  Many people probably don’t even know what it’s all about, other than being a day where a lot of people display an American flag (mine is up and waving in the breeze in front of my house).

Here’s a brief history:  originally called Decoration Day, Memorial Day is a day of remembrance for those who have died in our nation’s service. It started unofficially in 1865 — the Civil War was finally over after 4 long years of strife, hardship and killing — if you recalculated the number of war dead based on the population today, it would mean 4 million soldiers killed in 4 years!   After the war, a grieving public decorated the soldiers’ graves, primarily in the Union states (a side note from my love of the Civil War era:  the South was too crushed and devastated plus so many of the battles were in Northern states that if you lived in the South you did not have the resources to go visit the burial places if you even knew where your beloved sweetheart, spouse, father or child now lay).

Today, we still decorate gravesites with flags and flowers, in memory of those who lost their lives in the service of our country. Be sure to thank a vet today!

It is also an opportunity to reflect on other people in your life whom you have lost. If you are stuck in grieving someone who died, and you can’t seem to feel happy again, that can result in leading a stress-filled life where each day is a chore instead of a joy. My book “Forget Your Troubles”  is part of a powerful new system I created called “Zap Your Stress” — it’s a home study course for getting back in the groove in your own life and fulfill your own soul’s purpose here. Check it out at zapyourstress.com — be sure to use the coupon ZAPME to get 50% off the price (coupon expires at the end of today so don’t wait).

your happiness guru,

Evelyn

Weekend Be-Happier Tip #22

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Start your engines!

Last Sunday I watched part of the Indy 500 Qualifying Race as they prepared for this coming Sunday’s annual Memorial Day Indianapolis 500 Race.  During the qualifier, one of the racers had to get some work done on his car, and the announcer commented afterwards, “Now that’s a happy race car!” 

Hey, music for my ears — this happiness guru smiled.  And later, they discussed the challenge another race car driver would have when his “stressed windsock” would be indicating drag in the wrong direction.  Again, a word I’m familiar with: stress!

So I say to you: start your engines!  Do what you need to do this weekend to clear the sludge in your engine, to fuel up your energy for coming tasks, and make sure you’re ready to tackle the next race of your life. We pay attention to all that goes on behind the scenes in big events like the Indy 500, but then when we have a “big event” of our own it’s easy to shortchange the crucial details.  Make a list of the key points you need to take care of on a project that’s important to you, and give it all the care that the pit crew does to make that a happy race car.

For my USA fans, have a safe and sane Memorial Day Weekend! Everybody, enjoy the weekend and I’ll see you back here on Monday.

your happiness guru,

Evelyn

Setting Boundaries

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Boundaries define where “you” begin and “others” end.

For many people, particularly women who’ve been raised to be polite and amiable, boundaries are a huge issue!

I invite you to grab a cup of tea or coffee and sit down for ten minutes and get to know the most important person in your life: YOU.

For most people with boundary problems, the things that crop up are the inability to say “no” to other people, or feeling guilty if you do so;  always trying to anticipate other people’s needs; a feeling of having to put your own plans and dreams on the back burner while Other People take priority; and an overriding tolerance when others are rude or mean to you because you have an inner conviction that you don’t have the right to speak up.

People with poor boundaries take things personally — their feelings get hurt all the time because every remark, every “look” or imagined intention goes right through their weak defenses or boundary and hits hard in the heart (and ego). Are you someone with a very weak “wall” around you? Do all the arrows in life, even the small ones other people shrug off, wound you deeply?

Now, let’s be really clear about something. You can have poor boundaries and still be successful at work, a dynamo on committees, a warm and wonderful person. But you are also like an amoeba of some kind, where your sense of self shifts and flows depending on who is making demands of you. You don’t have a firm idea of “you” as a separate being from significant people in your life (and many times, even from strangers such as ones who cut you off in a line or in traffic, etc. and you feel outraged but guilty about the feeling).

We can’t instantly change a lifelong habit of poor or nonexistent boundaries, but here are 3 steps to get you started toward having a healthier identity:

  1. practice saying “no” — as I explain in my book “Forget Your Troubles” start with unimportant things and build up. Don’t expect that you’ll instantly be able to say “No” without learning what it feels like first in low-level situations. It can be really empowering to listen to what you want and then act on it by, for example, turning down an invitation to an event you really don’t want to attend!  Go ahead and try it. Be polite, keep things nice, don’t apologize, simply say, “Oh I wish I could go to that with you, but I have to say no.”  Smile. And don’t get into excusing yourself. If the person presses for a reason, say you have other plans that day, or “Frankly, I’m so crushed for time and I have to choose carefully how I spend it, and that event sounds like it’s not for me, so let’s plan something else for another time.” Yes, it’s brave!  But you are worth it — so learn to be true to yourself.
  2. Pick a new hobby or interest that you’ve always had a wistful dream of pursuing — and DO IT.  Too many times, people with soft boundaries simply embrace the interests of the people around them because it seems like the “nice” thing to do. It’s scary to risk being laughed at if no one understands or “approves” the hobby you like — but so what? If you want to collect stamps, go to the post office and get a kit and get started! It’s your life. No do-overs.
  3. Begin stating your opinion. Instead of simply agreeing with the choice of movie or restaurant or TV show the other person suggests, in order to avoid a disagreement or any kind of confrontation, learn to speak up and say, “Actually, I’d rather watch this other show…”  or “We went to that place last time, I’d love to go to this new cafe if you’re up for an adventure.”  Again, keep it light and polite.

You’re not drawing battle lines. What you’re doing is drawing a line around YOU and embracing the things and ideas and dreams and goals that are all wrapped up in the being that comprises you and makes you a wonderful and unique individual.

Try it, and let me know how it goes!

your happiness guru,

Evelyn

Crazymaking

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If someone in your life twists everything you say, you may be a victim of “crazymaking.”

A quick clue to see if this is going on in your relationship is to notice how many times you find yourself saying (or thinking): “But that’s not what I said at all!” And yet no matter how much you protest, the other insists that they’ve got it right and you are trying to negate them by saying otherwise.  Wow, talk about a no-win situation!

Crazymaking is to the advantage of a manipulative person who wants the upper hand in the relationship — as a matter of fact, it’s really one of their favorite “tools” to keep you confused, off balance and uncertain of yourself so that they feel superior. You will literally feel you’re going crazy if you hang out with this person long-term. If it’s a marriage, believe me, I know how rough it can be to recognize what’s happening. It’s part of the codependent trap. You try so hard to please, to figure out what they meant by saying something out of context or accusing you of having said something in a sarcastic tone or — this is a favorite tactic to throw you off — saying you are in a “mood” and they can’t even talk to you when you get like this. As if you’re a difficult person to be with — and yet as you scratch your head and feel the confusion build, you know that they have manufactured trouble when you didn’t say or do anything. Some partners thrive on stirring up agitation so that they don’t have to learn how to truly be intimate in a relationship. Their egos are wounded very easily and they take affront at even a mild criticism.

What can you do? Learn more about codependency, verbal/emotional abuse.  Later this week I’ll talk about an important tool every codependent person needs to know — how to set boundaries.

your happiness guru,

Evelyn Brooks

Weekend Be-Happier Tip #21Think small!

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Think small!

What’s that got to do with being happier this weekend? I bet you have a To Do list with a lot of chores and errands on it, things you hope to accomplish before Monday.

But … Did you make any room on that list for enjoying all the small blessings in your life?

Take time to remember that this life can be a vale of tears or it can be an amazing journey with new discoveries and joys every single day. The way to control stress from getting out of bounds is to keep things in balance, and this tip will help you do that!

To get you started, try these steps:

1.  Savor something you enjoy, a small treat like a cooky or an ice cream sandwich or a rich chocolate truffle. Don’t gulp it down and reach for another — eat it like it’s the first time you’ve ever tasted such a thing.  Smell it. Enjoy the sight and texture of it. Take a bite. Chew slowly, letting the flavors burst in your mouth. Stay in the moment with your treat, giving it your undivided attention, the same way you would if you were 5 years old and just handed a wonderful new surprise.

2. If you have kids or pets, play with them! If you are really crunched for time, you can manage 15 minutes for a break, can’t you? Call it recess. Set a kitchen timer if you must, but throw yourself wholeheartedly into a game of tag or fetch, or play Go Fish — it’s a fun card game at any age.

3.  A game to play with older kids or your spouse  is one I used to play with my daughter when she was young and I felt a full-on game of Scrabble would be entirely too one-sided in my favor — here’s how it works: put out the Scrabble  board and all the tiles, but the goal is for both of you to make as many words as you can — leave the board out on a table or kitchen counter and pause in passing to see what new word you might create. The ultimate goal is to use as many of the tiles as you can before starting the game over. No time limit.

4.  If you have a garden, pick a single flower for a bud vase. No garden? Buy one flower at the grocery store — most stores have a floral section and if not, stop by a local florist. The point is to get just one flower that “calls to you” not a whole arrangement or expensive bouquet. Put the flower by your computer or bedside table, somewhere that you will see it often. Pause throughout the day to study the flower and admire the incredible complexity of it. Then think of how complex YOU are.

Look for more small ways to become in tune with your life this weekend instead of racing to get chores done.

Wow, isn’t it amazing to be a human being alive on this planet? What are some of YOUR favorite “small things” — please share with Facebook, Twitter etc.

your happiness guru,

Evelyn